The night before I went back to work after having Nora, I was picking up the house and getting my (multiple) bags ready for the morning, when I saw a friend sneaking up the front walkway. She had planned to simply leave the dish of chicken enchiladas, bottle of wine, and bar of chocolate on my porch with a note; but I caught her so she stayed and chatted for a minute.
She was a new friend and, to be honest, we connected initially over something hard she had recently been through. She had never experienced leaving her baby to go back to work herself, yet because she loved and cared about me, she thought to drop off dinner (and other necessary treats) that night so that I’d have one less thing to think about on my first day. I cried.
We rally when someone brings their new baby home from the hospital to deliver gift cards, casseroles, and flowers, but the return to work is often silent and – frankly – a little lonely. Even as much as I talk about my “heart for working moms,” I’d never once thought to serve a friend in that way…
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, and I even brought it up on on my blog Facebook page a while back. In addition to taking a meal or sending a Starbucks gift card (which are ALWAYS appreciated), here are a few other (non-gift) ways you can care for and love the working mamas* in your life:
1. Respect my schedule
This one came up a lot on Facebook, the gist being: I can’t let the kids sleep in if we stay up too late the night before, prep my dinner during nap time, or clean house later if it doesn’t get done on Saturday. Please just know that those little things might not seem like a big deal to you – something that can easily be put off until later – but they matter to me. First and foremost, I have to think about my family and how we will function best, so don’t expect me to throw my schedule out the window (often).
On that note, planning in advance is REALLY helpful to me. Especially if I’m going to need a sitter, to make/bring something, etc. If we plan something a week or more in advance, chances are exponentially higher that I’ll be able to do it than if we throw it together at the last minute. Just saying.
2. Plan family-friendly events in “off hours”
Another one from Facebook… I’m away from my kids a lot during the week, so I usually don’t want to/ feel bad if I do leave them in the evenings and on the weekend. That said, I also feel like I miss out on a lot of fun play dates, bible studies, and mom-groups during the week because I’m not free at 10AM on a Tuesday. I’d love to bring my kids over for pizza on Friday night or meet you to walk on the Greenway with our strollers on Saturday. (P.S. I have one SAHM friend in particular who is SO great about planning afternoon play dates etc. I don’t go every time and I certainly don’t expect her to never plan events when I can’t make it, but it really does mean so much to me that she thinks about it!)
3. Be patient with me/ Forgive me for being a flake
I’m probably going to be late, cancel plans, or forget something important at least a few times every week in our friendship. I said yes in the first place because I really wanted to be able to do it; but sometimes my plans and the actual hours in a day don’t match up. You ARE important to me, but sometimes – when the kids are sick, I’m behind on a deadline, and you can’t see my bathroom floor – our coffee date really is the only thing I can cut out. Please know that I am sorry. I wear guilt like a sweater, and I’m embarrassed to call you to reschedule again. Please bear with me and be quick to forgive.
4. Keep inviting me
Even despite all of the above and the fact that I probably say “no” more than I say “yes”, please keep asking me to do things. I don’t expect an invitation to your 1PM playground date, but please keep sending me texts about going to the library at 5, the Friday night Book Club, and the all day festival on Saturday. Even if it breaks all of the “rules” I’ve already mentioned, please don’t leave me out. I really like feeling included and knowing what’s going on, and sometimes – I promise – I’ll show up!
5. Be gentle with your words
You’re my friend, so I know your heart is good, but please try not to say things like “It must be so hard having someone else raise your kids,” or “I couldn’t do it.” Those things hurt. No one else is raising my kids, and – I assure you – you could do it if it’s what you thought was best for your family. (Listen, I know I make insensitive comments about “what you do all day” etc. too. I’m sorry. Let’s just agree that we are different and love each other FOR that, not in spite of it, k?)
Edited to Add: After I wrote this post and went back to re-read the list, I noticed how completely contradictory a lot of these things can be to each other. This made me realize that 1.) We working moms are tough to be friends with. Those of you that do it anyway, THANK YOU. And, 2.) That’s pretty much just the juxtaposition of being a working mom. Things are always in conflict with something else. In the words of many a smart woman, when we say “Yes” to one thing, we are saying “No” to something else. We often live in that place of feeling like one ball is always on the ground. We’re always letting someone down. It is our reality, and it is hard, but we do our best, and we say “sorry” a lot. If you’re there right now, I GET IT. Deep breath mama. You are doing great.
ALSO: This post ended up having a sadder tone to it than I intended. I’m not sad. I like being a working mom, and it’s a good fit for me and my family. I also have a lot of really AMAZING friends in my life who show me this kind of love and grace all the time!! That said, I have felt sadness over each of these things at some point or another, and I suspect some of you have too. Consider this a friendly PSA. Nothing more. 🙂
So, can you relate? What would you add?
Hope your Monday is off to a great start!
E
P.S. The Sam & Scout Instagram account is now LIVE! Follow me at @samandscout for photos of what I’m reading, what I’m wearing, things I love, and more. *Tune in tomorrow for A DAY IN THE LIFE. Guaranteed to be thrilling. 😉
I think this list is great. My first day back at work was SO hard (well, actually not as hard as I’d thought it would be…I think the build-up was harder than the actuality), and a friend emailed me a Starbucks gift card and that just made my whole day. I need to remember to pay that forward one day. 🙂
Yes. That’s a good friend! That is something so easy but SO great to do for someone. I think you might even be able to schedule it to go to them at a certain day/time so you can just order it when you think of it! (I’ve had some trouble on Starbucks’ e-gift website lately though… Anyone else?)
LOVE this list! The biggest one for me is scheduling play dates for evenings or weekends. I really WANT to have mom friends but it is so hard to make and maintain those friendships when you can’t make it to events. Working moms like to have “mom talk” too 🙂 Another one I would add is to set up a date night babysitting swap. When you pay for childcare during the week, it is really hard to find/pay a sitter for a date night. Some of my friends and I have talked about swapping babysitting so that we can each get a date night. It hasn’t happened yet but I am hopeful that we can set it up soon.
Love the babysitting swap thing!!
this is great!
i actually have a good friend who’s a teacher, and she invites me to do WAY MORE than i can ever do. she gets home at 2:30 and wants to play until dinner time at 6.
her husband is never home until after 7, so she doesn’t have to prep dinner for an entire family like i do (she just throws something simple together for her kids).
i think it’s hard for BOTH working and stay at home moms to understand schedules. for example, the above comment — i have a TERRIBLE time finding babysitting because i have NO ONE in place except fellow stay at home moms (we drop our kids off during the day for playdates when one of us has a dr. appt, etc.) so when it comes to a date night or if i get sick, i have zero options. or prepping dinner during nap time? what is nap time? my oldest doesn’t nap. i have zero time during the day without kids — including overnight.
OH. and the dinner thing, WHAT A KIND FRIEND! i’ve tried to make an effort to drop off more dinners. when there are sick kids, a friend seems stressed, whatever. because isn’t food ALWAYS appreciated!?
I think a babysitting swap would be great for all moms 🙂 We all need time with our husbands!
Great points about working moms having a hard time fully understanding and respecting the SAHM’s schedule too. (I hope my post didn’t sound snotty. Totally just speaking from my own experience.) And, yes, food is ALWAYS appreciated! 🙂
ps. (as if my other comment wasn’t long enough) i’m in a bible study with some girls, and two of them work. a few weeks ago the SAHMs realized we weren’t inviting the working moms to stuff, even if it wasn’t during work hours, just bc we weren’t in the habit. HOW HURTFUL! it’s always better to invite.
It happens, and I totally understand why/how. But, good for you guys for remembering and making a mental note to include your working friends in stuff! Even just sending them a text when you are hanging out during the day once in a while saying something like “We miss you and hope you’re having a great day” or – better yet – dropping off a surprise PSL at their office once in a while goes A LONG WAY! 🙂
Why do we have to drop PSLs off at the office?
We have to pack up our kids, go to Starbucks, drag our kids in and out of Starbucks, and then to our friend’s office? For what reason? As an “I’m sorry you’re at work” gesture? Or to make them feel better about what? Or because we have so much free time?
Perhaps they should bring us a PSL too?
I’m sure that sounds snarky, I’m just confused, after saying you enjoy your job and you choose to work, then you say SAHMs should drop by drinks…to console you? Maybe I’m misunderstanding?
(I work shift work — two weeks of 12-hr days followed by two weeks off. Even though I have to juggle a lot, the weeks I’m working and only “mommy” for a few hours of the day are, by far, easier.)
Hmm. I definitely think you misunderstood my comment about the PSL… I was responding specifically to my friend who said she and her Bible study girls were actually leaving their working mom friends out of things (even outside of work hours) because they just got in that habit. I certainly don’t think (nor did I say) that you HAVE to take anyone a latte, I simply threw it out there as a nice gesture and a way to say “I’m thinking about you.” I’d do the same for a SAHM mom friend who was stuck in the house with a sick baby or potty training a toddler.
I try to be really clear about this, but I never want my words to imply that I don’t value the work of a stay at home mom. Darn right it is hard. Probably hardER in many many ways. BUT, that still doesn’t undermine that a working mom has unique circumstances that perhaps make loving her look a little different from loving someone else. It’s really, in the end, just about loving each other where we are – that’s all. No PSL required.
Great post – I love the point that we do so much when a baby comes, but then support dies out. I felt very alone when I first went back to work, exhausted, not feeling like myself yet and not sure what to do.
I admit I’m not great at maintaining that support – especially in tangible ways – but, often, just making a point to ask the mom how she is doing once in a while and sending an encouraging text or email can be HUGE. 🙂
I SO relate to every aspect of this post. On top of being a working mom, my littles are extremely close in age (14 months apart) and my husband and I work opposite shifts. I feel like I never get to go out with “friends” (not that I have any anymore) or attend events that allow me to socialize with others. I’m often told I need to do something for me, but I only see my husband two days a week and those are our days as a family, you know?
Great post, as always. Regarding planning events on a working mom schedule, lunch dates have worked great for me – for meeting both my working mom and SAHM friends (who just bring the little(s) along). Obviously, work doesn’t always allow me to get away for a leisurely lunch, but I can usually make time once or twice a month. It allows for some much needed social interaction with my mom friends, while not taking away precious evening and weekend time from my own family.
Great point! I don’t usually get a “lunch break” per se because I’m at school, but I know many working moms who use that time to catch up with friends, run errands, etc. It’s all about efficiency! 🙂
Oh, my heart! This is exactly how I feel as a working mom. Luckily, I have many friends who are considerate and careful, but I think you’re touching on something important in this post: misunderstandings, miscommunications, and contradictions are just part of human nature and human relationships. I think that it’s not even a matter of working mom/SAHM differences – it’s just something that happens. We could all benefit from more care, patience, and understanding of each other. Thanks for an incredibly thoughtful and insightful post!
YES!! APPLAUSE!!!
100% agree. Beautifully put. THANK YOU!
I love your point about planning family-friendly events. Since I’m at work so many hours a week, those off hours are precious time with my babies, and it takes a lot to drag me away from them. I really appreciate when I can bring them with me and also have the ability to catch up with friends, etc. That being said, I do enjoy some “me” time, however sporadically, so I second the comment about keep inviting working moms places. Most of the time my answer is no, but every once in a while, it’s exactly what I need to recharge.
Yes! I was trying to figure out where to add this in too… While I’m all about family time, I don’t want to feel guilty about taking time to be by myself or with my friends etc. either. They BOTH are so important and, I agree, why the invitation is key!
Critique, sarcasm can make him sad and lonely.