Just in case you think it’s all caterpillars and rainbows around here… 😉
A few weeks ago, Jeff and I made a spur of the moment Sunday evening decision to take the kids to our city’s annual fair with some friends. It was 90-something degrees out, and we spent way too much money on tickets and games so Sam could win a junky stuffed animal that now belongs to Addy; but we had a good time, and it was worth it to see Sam so happy. He loved everything about it – his face beaming with excitement nearly the entire three hours we were there… The only negative of the whole night was that he didn’t get to ride the bumper cars – his favorite – because the line was so long; but there were plenty of other fun things to take his mind off of that. No big deal… Or so I thought…
When we left, we had plans to go get ice cream near our house, before calling it a night. It would be the perfect way to cap off the evening. But, as we were walking out (and I was feeling like a pretty awesome mom, I might add), I told Sam how much fun I’d had with him and asked his favorite part of the night. His response? “Nothing! I didn’t get to ride the bumper cars, so nothing was my favorite!”
To be honest, I’m not the disciplinarian in our family. Jeff calls me a “softie,” and I admit that Sam gets away with more than he should when he is with me. In general, he’s a really good kid, and I’ve been fortunate not to have to be too strict. But that night, when he acted that way leaving the fair, it was like something snapped inside me. WHAT?!?! Out of all the fun things we had just done (not to mention the money we’d spent), he was going to focus on the ONE thing we didn’t do and let that ruin the whole experience? OH NO. Not my child! I’m not raising a child to be ungrateful and spoiled. I couldn’t even handle it.
Thankfully, I remained calm and told Sam that it disappointed me and made me sad that he made the choice to focus on that over being thankful for a fun night. Then, when we got in the car, Jeff and I decided together that his consequence for that attitude would be not getting ice cream. Fair enough.
But, here’s the thing: I wanted ice cream. If we drove straight home right then, Sam would barely recognize the consequences of his behavior (truth be told, he was tired and would have probably fallen asleep); but I would have been punished by not getting the sweet treat I already had my mind set on… Jeff and I discussed it quietly from the front seat; and, ultimately, decided this would be a good opportunity to teach Sam a lesson. So, we went through the drive-thru, ordered two swirl cones, and ate them while Sam looked on and wailed.
OF COURSE we felt bad eating the ice cream in front of him; but, ultimately, it did serve its purpose of teaching Sam to be grateful and not just expect fun and treats. When we got home, he apologized and gave us hugs, and he went to bed that night feeling loved and secure. In the morning, it was over.
Since then, Jeff and I have recounted this story to several friends, and I’ve been surprised by what a reaction they have had. Mostly, they’ve been shocked. “I can’t BELIEVE you did that!!” or “You guys are TOUGH.” At a party last weekend, the husbands of two of my friends came up to me to tell me how “impressed” they’d been when their wives shared the story with them. Others have said, “I could NEVER do that.”
It’s been weird, to be honest. So Sam didn’t get an ice cream cone and had to watch us eat ours. Is that really that big of a deal?
Actually, I guess it kind-of is.
Most parents I know – myself included most of the time – discipline their children. We have rules and standards for behavior, and we issue consequence when those standards are not met. BUT, usually, we draw the line at being mean. We want our kids to know when they have done something wrong – to be sorry and learn from it – but we don’t want to hurt their feelings.
SO, we walk a line. Either we stick to the same punishments we’ve always done – go to your room, sit in time-out, no iPad for the day – OR we try something else and risk losing out ourselves. How many times have I made an empty threat like, “If you don’t stay in your room for quiet time/ listen when I tell you it’s time to leave/ quit fighting with your sister, we won’t go to that party/do that fun thing.” THEN, as I’ve seen again and again, the problem comes with follow-through… If my five year old doesn’t get to go to the party, then neither do I; and, well, I want to go to the party. Who is really losing here?!? Sure, sometimes the threat is enough and it works; but, if it doesn’t, either we go to the party any way and my kid learns that I don’t actually mean what I said; OR, none of us go the party and my preschooler has just affected the entire family’s plans. Regardless, I – the parent – look weak.
The ice cream scenario gave Jeff and I an opportunity to show Sam that his ungrateful attitude had a consequence – not for the whole family, but for HIM specifically. And, while the ice cream was delicious ;), we didn’t like upsetting him. We didn’t do it to be mean or to impress anyone with how “tough” we are. We did it because, ultimately, I want Sam to be a good person MORE than I want him to like me. Period.
Parenting is SO SO hard. Sure, the baby stage is exhausting, but this creating human beings that are kind and grateful and generous and honest – it makes the baby stage look like a walk in the park. Ninety percent of the time, I have no idea what I’m doing; but, I see Sam growing into this kind of man, and I know I’m doing something right… Will I use this kind of “consequence” every time? No. Do I think there is a time to be selfless and suffer the consequence with my child? Yep. But, am I sorry for how I handled things the night of the fair? Not at all.
I realize, I’m totally opening a can of worms here, but I’d really love your input on the topic of discipline, consequences, etc. What do you think of “the ice cream scenario”? Have you ever had to show your child tough love like this? What do you think about hurting your child’s feelings? Let’s keep it kind and have a chat… We NEED each other!
E
I love this. You’re completely right about parents being punished with kids when we dole out consequences sometimes. I don’t believe for one second that you were mean here. It’s not like you moaned about how delicious it was the whole way home. You simply followed through with the family’s plan, punishing Sam, but not others. I hope I remember this one for years to come!
I don’t have children but I love this post and your honesty! I once babysat three girls (2, 4, and 6) and we were going to head to the town pool when the older two had a major meltdown. I told them if they couldn’t behave, we would not go. Things seemed to be better but they started fighting again in the car before we left the driveway and they were stunned when I turned the car off and stated that there would be no pool trip. Their mom was couldn’t believe that I had followed through with canceling the plans. Part of it was to show them I meant business, the other part was me realizing there was no way I could handle two of the three misbehaving at the pool. 🙂
I admire you both. I grew up with what many would call ‘tough love’ but I really didn’t see it as such until I became an adult or someone pointed it out to me. I had many many moments similar to Sam but had my mom not shown me there were consequences, I for sure would have done it a lot more. And now, I am so SO thankful for those times where she showed ‘tough love’. Since she did this, I know not to be mean or that words can actually hurt those around me. You guys rock!!
xo
Naw….you were just fine with what you did. But kids that young don’t understand the value of what things cost like fair rides….so I don’t really indulge in it right now. Then over time they will realize just how special it will be when I finally DO indulge in the special treat…..it holds a new specialness in their eyes. We’ve done the same thing with behavior with one of our kids not getting ice cream while the rest got to partake.
You did exactly the right thing! I am trying to instill the same values in my children and often come off looking like the strict parent. However, my children are learning that there are definite consequences for bad/ungrateful behavior.
LOVE this!! My husband and I have the same philosophy on parenting. We try to balance that tough love with making sure to reward the good behavior often too so that she sees the difference. Being a parent is hard, especially taking the time to follow through! 🙂
I employ a lot of young people that would’ve benefited from learning the ‘my actions have consequences’ lesson from their parents, or their teachers/babysitters/anyone earlier on in their lives. Because they didn’t, they are having to learn it from me – and you know what? It smarts. For them and for me. I applaud parents who do the hard, and right, thing in following through on consequences! When you feel mean, or are brought down by others casting you in that light, remember, it is way kinder to Sam to have him learn it now, at 5, than for him to lose his job at 19 because he stayed up too late and then ‘didn’t want to wake up so early!'<– actual story! Said individual was shocked when I told him that his choice to stay up late was not my problem, given that he knew he worked so early, and he better show his face, or risk not having a job to show his face to!
I love this – and I don’t think it’s mean at all!! I think you guys did the right thing – we’ve done things very similar with Henry! Kids need to know the world doesn’t revolve around them – and he realized that while you all had a treat and he didn’t get to have one.
Love it! I’ve been there with my daughter and that entitlement attitude can just flip the switch for me, too. We have worked hard to provide a good life for her & her brother, but I’m also trying to make sure that she appreciates these things and doesn’t take them for granted. It means that the times she’s thrown fits for things, she doesn’t get them and she doesn’t go shopping with me for weeks on end, or her toys get put away for a week because she decided she didn’t need to clean them up. She has watched her brother get dessert, but she didn’t – it’s a hard lesson, but it’s all worth it in the end, right?!?
My parents did things like this with me when I was small. I missed out on a wild-caught grouse supper once, when I was nine. I’m 26 now, and I still remember sitting on the stairs and listening to the rest of the family feasting and knowing I couldn’t have any. It taught me a lesson and it sounds like it’s taught your son the same one.
When we’re little, so many of us think the world revolves around us. You found an effective way to show that it really doesn’t without being mean. Go you!
I’m saving this for kids in the future – this approach makes so much sense!
I had to follow through in a very similar way yesterday afternoon. My daughter did not earn her Dum Dum lollipop after swim, and she wailed in rush hour traffic the entire way home. Wanna know what, though? The first thing she told her dad when he got home from work was why she did not earn it but that she was looking forward to trying again next week. She got it. I figure I will pay now or pay tenfold later, and I would rather start now. Solidarity, sister.
I totally agree with your intent. How annoying when you do something for your child and they seem ungrateful. I am speaking from almost zero experience. We have two under 2.5. My husband and love these parenting challenges and spend a lot of time every night recapping what our kids did and thinking about how effective our responses are in helping them become good citizens. I do believe that your response might not be the most effective. If your son felt a certain way, maybe it would have been a good opportunity to help him and coach him to see the positive. Even adults have a hard time seeing the positive in situations. I’ve been with plenty of adults that are unhappy if food comes out a certain way or if the service is bad or if they don’t have anything they like on the menu. Being content and positive is a learned habit with practice. So instead you might get the unintended consequence of him just not telling you how he feels anymore and therefore eliminating future opportunities for him to practice. Again, just a thought. I am not an expert and struggle a lot with my little ones.