This isn’t really a post I ever thought I’d write. One, because I tend to stay away from topics that could be controversial since I firmly believe all parenting decisions are our own to make. And, two, because I don’t love using the word “breast” in things that my students/parents/etc. could potentially read. đ BUT, this topic has been on my heart for several months now (I’ve even started multiple drafts of this post), and when I saw that it’s World Breastfeeding Week, and their topic this year is “Breastfeeding and Work,” I felt like I HAD to write it. So here goes:
When Nora was just a few weeks old, we took her to church for the first time. I’ll be honest and say that I was feeling pretty proud of myself. All four of us were clean and dressed and out of the house with a new baby before noon. đ About halfway through the service, she started getting fussy so I took a bottle of freshly-pumped breast milk and excused myself to the “crying room” to feed her. When we got there, I was delighted to see several other moms with newborns in the room; but, after a little while, I realized I was the only one not physically breastfeeding my baby. It sounds silly even writing this out, but as I later reported to Jeff, I felt the inexplainable urge to say something like “This is breast milk in this bottle, I promise. My baby just doesn’t nurse well. I, too, am watching my dairy intake, avoiding alcohol, wearing nursing pads, and looking for clothing with ‘easy access.’ I’M PART OF YOUR CLUB TOO.” Even in the moment, I knew it was ridiculous. As a second time mom, I prided myself on the fact that I was more secure and confident in my parenting decisions this time around, but in those few minutes – and many similar ones since then – I felt guilty, embarrassed, and… left out.
I’m a breastfeeding mom, but I bottle-feed about 90% of the time.
The reasons aren’t important, but for reference, I make a lot of milk – WAY more than I need to feed my baby. This is a good thing in many ways, but it also means I feel full/uncomfortable all the time – even right after a feeding – and both of my babies have been fussy/had upset stomachs (I think) because they are basically drowned by milk when they are eating. I struggled through this for a long time when Sam was born in 2011, but I made the decision when Nora was only about two weeks old, that if pumping and bottle-feeding was better for both of us, then bottle feeding it would be. As an added bonus, this made my transition back to work at eight weeks much smoother and easier for all parties involved.
Today, Nora is a little over four months old, and she has never had anything but my milk. I have always breastfed during her middle of the night feedings – since she is sleepy enough to handle it, and it means I don’t have to go downstairs to warm a bottle, etc. – but the rest of the time she drinks pumped milk from a bottle. Since I’ve been home this summer and her little digestive system seems to be maturing now, I’ve added a few more breastfeeding sessions in there for convenience; but, for the most part, I’d call myself an “exclusive pumper.”
Nora is healthy and happy, and – even despite the inconveniences of having to pump multiple times a day – so am I. This has been a good fit for our family. Â BUT…
I’m still embarrassed when I bottle-feed my baby in public.
Before I say any more about this, please know that I DO NOT judge other moms for the way that they choose to feed their babies. I gave Sam formula beginning at six months old, and I’ve been the breastfeeding mom on the floor of Barnes and Noble. I also, honestly, have not felt judged by other moms. For the most part, I think the “Mommy Wars” (at least on this topic) are over, and there is much more a sense of “we’re all in this together” than of judgement and scorn. This isn’t a post about what’s right or wrong, it’s a post about MY OWN insecurities.Â
According to doctors and lactation consultants, the fact that I feed my baby exclusively breast milk is still rare. Apparently, many, if not most mothers still choose formula over breast milk today.  Likewise, the media outcry over rights for breastfeeding moms would imply that these moms are still in the minority. This may be true; but, in my circle of friends/acquaintances, it feels much more “out of place” to bottle feed than it does to lift up my shirt or pull a nursing cover out of my diaper bag.
Being a pumping/bottle-feeding mom often feels like I don’t “fit in” to either club. I’m not a formula feeding mom OR a breastfeeding mom (at least not in the technical sense.) Most of the time, I’m OK with this.  I know I’m a good mom. I’m confident that bottle-feeding is a good fit for our family (both for the physical reasons listed above and the practical fact that I work full-time 10 months out of the year). But, sometimes it is a really lonely place to be, and I’ve been surprised (disappointed?) by how much it has bothered me.
I wanted to write this post because I suspect I’m not really alone. Â I know there are others of you out there. Maybe you’ve even considered inventing a sticker for bottles that says “BREAST MILK” and then realized how absolutely insane and unnecessary that is and felt bad for even thinking it too. Maybe you’ve made the mistake of “attempting” to breastfeed out in public because it is easier/more “normal,” only to have to drive home to a bottle with a screaming baby and leaking boobs too. Maybe you’ve been vaguely jealous of the mom nursing in the dressing room while you search for a place to get hot water to warm a bottle too. Maybe you’ve mourned the intimacy and convenience of breastfeeding, while at the same time, been thankful for the freedom of bottle-feeding too. If so, I hope you feel like “part of the club” today.
You’re doing a good job Momma. So am I.
Happy World Breastfeeding Week!
E
yep! This is us! My almost 5 month old was in the NICU and has never been able to latch properly. A HUGE part of this momma journey has been “mourning” that he can’t nurse and needs to have a bottle. It sure does help to know you’re not alone.
My daughter caught a terrible cold when she was 3 weeks old. She wasn’t able to nurse and I had to pump and bottlefeed her exclusively for two weeks. I remember several times people asking if I was breastfeeding. I wanted to shout – “Pumping is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and YES this is breastmilk and NO it’s none of your business!!!!” I absolutely agree – feeding our babies is the most important and no mom should ever feel shamed for whatever choice is right for THEM (and not just what is right for the judging public).
i hate that you feel insecure đ
my babies never take bottles and it’s mostly just bc bottles are SO MUCH work (or they seem that way) and since i’m home with them it just doesn’t make sense to get a “bottle system” established for occasional feedings (though it would be nice for daddy to feed the baby at night…)
i honestly think your route is much harder, and i applaud your effort feed your baby breastmilk. it’s a serious commitment, no matter how you do it, but especially with the extra step of pumping.
you’re doing great.
In the nicu with Grace we had to 3 part feed (nurse, pump, bottle feed 1 oz of breast milk) to try to get her weight up. I truly think it was a blessing because she has always been able to switch from nursing to a bottle. I did it out of convenience because I am not always comfortable nursing in public. But I did feel the same way you did (at first) when I took out a bottle. I ended up pumping 3 times a day for almost the entire school year. Hardest school year of my life!
So proud of you for sharing something so personal! I nursed my babies for almost a year each… no part of feeding a baby is easy… if you pump or nurse! I was always jealous of my friends who used formula and didn’t have to worry about clothing being accessible. Jen
I felt the same– I wanted to nurse Carter for a year, but I had the opposite problem you have, really low supply. I took all the supplements and baked and ate the lactation cookies, drank tons of water, etc. Nothing seemed to help enough, so I gave up at 6 months. From months 4-6, I supplemented, so I would nurse him, then mix a bottle of formula. When I was in public and finished our nursing session, I felt horrible ashamed pulling out the bottle. Also like you, not judging in any way those who choose to bottle feed, but for me it was a source of shame and being “not good enough.” So glad you wrote this!
Such a wonderful post. Our first daughter was tongue tied and even though we got it corrected when she was 10 days old she had to be supplemented for most of her feeds. For the first six weeks of her life I would nurse… then PUMP… then feed her formula at EVERY single one of her feedings. It was awful. I always felt like the outsider because I was not a bottle feeder or an exclusive nurser. I actually know a lot of moms that are exclusive pumpers. My biggest issue with breastfeeding has been my LOW supply… so as with most things with parenting the grass is always greener. I applaud you for doing what is best for you and your baby. I think the hardest part for me was that in the end no one was judging me BUT I was judging myself. You are an amazing Momma! Happy National breastfeeding week! You are supported and celebrated E!
Pumping and bottle feeding is the hardest way to feed IMO (as a breastfeeding working mama) . You are essentially doing double the work. You should be super proud of all that you are doing to give your baby the best! You are doing awesome mama!
I feel moved to comment because I suffered from D-MER (Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex) while trying to breastfeed all three of my children. Even my doctors were not aware of D-MER and could not explain the extreme depression I felt every time the baby latched on, which only lasted for the length of the feed. It is not postpartum depression and was visibly linked to my nursing. By my third child I knew that I needed to pump once a day for forty minutes so that I could mitigate the symptoms and still feed my son breastmilk. Of course everyone thought I was formula-feeding and I fielded quite a few nasty glares and comments. I wish more people understood D-MER but at the same time, I feel that no one owes anyone an explanation for their parenting choices: just do what works for you. Thanks for writing this post and bringing awareness to an underestimated mothering issue! More info on D-MER for anyone interested: http://www.d-mer.org/Mechanism_of_D-MER.html
We moms are so hard on each other! I exclusively breastfed my son (now almost 4) for 7 months and when we stopped I did feel some judgment from a few friends. Now I’m nursing my daughter and it is going really well, but we have not tried bottles yet…not because I am against them in any way…but it seems so much more work! So good job, mama!
I do have a question about exclusively pumping though. How does that work? Do you feed Nora a bottle from your stash and then go pump so your body doesn’t miss a feeding? Or do you pump and then feed her a fresh bottle right away? Just trying to figure out the schedule in case we ever need to try it or my daughter starts to have biting issues like my son did.
Love your blog!
I’ve struggled with this since I started breast feeding my son in 2011. I took all the classes beforehand, and attended the breastfeeding classes after the fact and neither prepared me for the reality of the situation. Once my son was here, and i was expressing breast milk in the hospital less than 24 hours after his birth, we had issues with latching. We had troubles leaving the hospital until he had urinated and that showed he wasn’t getting enough fluids. At home he would latch but was frustrated. After the first pediatrician visit where he had come in at less than a weight he should be, my husband and I were really worried about his getting enough from the breast. The next day I decided it was worth more to me if he got breast milk from pumping than if fe nursed directly from me. I could at least know exactly how much he was eating. I started pumping exclusively. The only disadvantage that i’ve heard from this is that some of the children get over fed. I’m pretty sure that there are more children getting over fed on formula than breast milk. I don’t have anything against formula fed babies but I don’t feel like i should feel guilty for taking the time and effort to breast feed (through pumping).
I pumped and fed breast milk for my son until he was 12 months old. But, I know from friends, OBGYNâs, and local media that I am not in the majority. That doesnât bother me. I know I did the best thing for me and my family. It is just sad that a lot of the outreach programs for breast feeding mamas donât allow for the flexibility of pumping or that when you visit you donât feel welcome.
E, this was EXACTLY me with my LO. To the t. I struggled with breastfeeding but was determined to make it work since I stopped so early with my twins, so I pumped. I pumped exclusively for 4 months until I felt courageous enough again to try breastfeeding – and it worked! I still pumped 80% of the time, but would nurse on the weekends when I was home and even started doing evening sessions when I knew my time was dwindling. We stopped nursing and pumping after 7m and I had enough stored for another month for him. But I too felt like saying, “This is breastmilk!” when I bottle-fed him… I just don’t know if things will ever change. But nope, you are definitely not along in feeling the way you do!
PS Nora and Sam are just the sweetest!
I LOVED this post! I laughed out loud at the “breast milk” sticker on the bottle. I love your honesty and way you convey what you’re feeling. You ARE such a good mama and more mamas need to hear that they are too, no matter how they choose to feed their babies. đ
We’ve also done a mix of breastfeeding, pumping and eventually, full-time formula with both boys at about 4 months. I went back to work at 10 weeks with #2 and experienced for the first time what being an “exclusive pumper” is like….and it is not an easy route. I only lasted about 8 weeks because it was too hard! I think it is amazing that you are committed and making it work!!!
First off, you are awesome regardless of how you are feeding your child and I don’t think enough moms hear that. Pumping is hard and being in that in-between place makes it even more difficult, because like you said you don’t really fit into either “circle”. I forget which mommy blog I was reading while sitting in our guest bathroom pumping at 2am because I too was an overproducer but they mentioned that their husband could swear the pump was saying “kill me now” as it was going in and out…hearing that and knowing that other people were in the same boat as me definitely made it easier, marginally — like .01%, but still easier.
Mine said “more milk, more milk”.
Thank you for honestly sharing your experiences with this. My first baby arrives in November and I’m a little worried about how breastfeeding will go, and what I’ll do when I return to teaching a few months later. It’s really helpful to see how different everyone’s experiences are and how everyone adjusts to make things work for them and their babies.