Last week at our end-of-the-year faculty luncheon, I sat next to a male colleague and listened as he shared his summer plans which included scuba diving (and teaching lessons) and flying his private jet. I’m not joking.
In his free time, my husband bowls once a week with friends. He also golfs a couple of times a month and makes time throughout the year to play tennis, go hiking, fish, run, read financial reports (blah), trade stocks, keep up with the latest in technology, and cook.
I like to read, blog, and watch Gilmore Girls (only while also folding laundry, nursing, or doing something else productive).
Notice the discrepancy?
This isn’t a post about how unfair life is or that my husband is spoiled (he isn’t). We’re both actually quite good at giving the other one time “off” when we need it, Jeff has mostly equal responsibility for housework and taking care of the kids, and I feel like I am free to do or try really whatever I want. The problem, however, is that I don’t really know HOW to have hobbies.
When Jeff sees his friends they go bowling/hiking/fishing/golfing.
When I see my friends we are chasing kids around, breaking up arguments over toys, cleaning up messes, and trying to squeeze in a conversation and a few sips of wine (if we’re lucky) in the pauses.
We could go iceskating/dancing/canoeing/swimming… but we don’t.
Instead, we bring the kids along. We cancel our weekly date to watch The Bachelor in favor of an earlier bedtime for us and an easier morning. We spend another Saturday roaming the mall or sitting on the benches of the neighborhood playground because that’s easy and stroller-friendly, or – worse – we spend it cleaning, putting away laundry, and organizing closets because if it doesn’t get done then it will never get done and our week will run so much more smoothly if it does. (Remember that from my summer goals post?) We might even turn on an audio-book or podcast while we do it and call it “fun.”
Our hobbies tend to be things we can do by ourselves late at night or early in the morning – reading and writing (like me) or crafting, sewing, painting. OR, they serve a dual purpose that is good for our families/health/etc. like exercise, decorating, cooking. But is that enough?
I don’t think the problem is my husband, my schedule, or even society. I think it is ME. It’s guilt about leaving the kids or letting the laundry pile up. It’s convenience and the overwhelming feeling of all that “needs to be done” and how much better I feel when it is. It’s busyness. But, more than anything, it’s priorities… When I really think about it, I stopped having hobbies long before I had kids and a house to take care of. Somewhere between writing stories on the old desktop in elementary school, turning in my gymnastics leotards in ninth grade, and scrapbooking each year of college, I chose “shoulds” over “wants” and never looked back. (Full disclosure – It took me a long time to think of even one hobby from late high school or college to finish out that list. Beyond that, I’ve basically got nothing.)
I started this blog in 2009 out of a desire to have a hobby, and – now more than five years in – I often joke that it’s the longest I’ve stuck with anything. I still love it as much as I did back then, but I feel it getting pushed further and further on the To Do list with each new life stage and change. I’m not planning to stop entirely any time soon; but, I do worry that it isn’t really all I need anymore…
Lately, as I’ve watched my preschooler work puzzles, color, and create imaginary worlds with his toy dinosaurs and looked at my sweet baby girl and thought about what the future will hold for her, I’m craving a space to play in my own life. I’m convicted about the example I am setting for my kids by not making fun a priority in my own life. And, frankly, I worry that I will burn out much too early if I don’t start shifting soon.
The first step, though, is figuring out WHAT I like. To be honest, I’m so far removed that a lot of “hobbies” don’t even sound fun to me right now. Even last week when my best friend and I scheduled a night out just the two of us after the kids went to bed, I spent most of it yawning and worrying about the papers I hadn’t yet graded. What is wrong with me?!?
What would I do if it didn’t take tons of prep? If everything else was “done”? If time and money were no object? I’d write book. I’d learn yoga. I’d take a dance class. I’d become a runner. I’d teach myself graphic design. I’d learn photography. I’d have a garden. I’d travel.
Come to think of it… Maybe I’ll add one more goal to my summer plans: try at least ONE of these things. Find something I love to do just because. Invite a friend to do it with me.
What about you? What would you do with your time if you had more of it? Do you already make time for fun? If so, how?
Happy Friday!
E
P.S. We’re off to the beach for my sister’s wedding this weekend. I’ll be back with Midweek Confessions on Monday (and would love for you to join the fun), but the rest of the week (like this one) will likely be scarce. Slow summer on.
I’ve been having this same conversation with justin! He enjoys backpacking, fly fishing, golf… I don’t have any hobbies! I don’t want my children to see my as boring and useless. I like to run but I squeeze it in early in the morning so that it doesn’t inconvenience the rest of the family. I wouldn’t really call that a fun “hobby” since it requires getting up at 5am 🙂 I am not crafty, I don’t blog. Wow, I am boring. I’m interested in reading what other women enjoy…
I’ll join you in the hobby search this summer!
I could have written this post myself word for word. Even last night, I was excited at the possibility of going to Target alone for milk, laundry detergent and new sheets for our bed. When Brielle heard my grab my car keys, she put on those shoes so fast and bolted to the door. How do I say “no, your not coming with me even though I desperately need 45 minutes to myself”? So I didn’t and we had a date to Target. My husband always says, “Just go out and do something” but honestly, I don’t even know what I’d do. The few times I’ve taken his offer, I was back in an hour because I’d rather spend my Saturday breaking up fights than alone at the mall. I think moms are just wired differently. I always remind myself that this is a season and before I know it, its going to be over and I’m going to probably miss it terribly. So this is the season of “I have no hobbies” but its also the season of “Mom took me to Target EVERY SINGLE TIME SHE WENT” and I’m ok with that. I have years and years to find hobbies but right now, my life feels content and full with just being a working mom who makes fun times whenever she can. Maybe that’s my hobby – – creator of fun times in the midst of life’s everyday chaos!?!?!
I’ve been reading your blog for a couple of years now but have never commented. Sorry! BUT this post is every word I’ve tried to say to my husband and those closest to me lately. Thank you for writing! I shared it on my Facebook page and so many other moms feel the same way. I am a mom of two (2.5 years and 4 months) and have just recently declared that I am determined to find myself again. As moms, we so desperately need it!
Man, this is SO true!! I have never really thought of it like this, but you are right on. I’m trying to think of what my hobbies are…I do think I read enough (and make it enough of a priority) to legitimately call it a hobby…but that’s about it. Gardening was a hobby for a few years, but now it’s more of a chore (to maintain what I started) that I squeeze in if and when I have a few minutes…I just don’t enjoy it as much though. And yeah…if I were to take a Saturday morning to myself? I would probably get my nails done. Is that a hobby? Last weekend I actually met a few girlfriends at a public pool and we did a water Zumba class together– that was super fun…does a one-time thing count as a hobby??
I just had this conversation with my husband. He golfs and plays softball a couple times a month and even though I do go out with friends occasionally, we don’t really do anything… we just catch a meal. I seriously have no hobbies… and like you, wouldn’t even know where to start.
I don’t have hobbies either :/ unless shopping and getting manicures count haha I feel like I have tons of fun but not something I would consider a “hobby”… I’m not domestic or crafty which is what I normally think of as mom hobbies… I don’t like to exercise even though I know I should! I like to travel and we do as a family when we can… I love to hang out with friends and try to squeeze that in as much as I can with a little guy. I need suggestions!!
This is so true! I actually just had Matt read your second and third paragraph with the “discrepancies” and we both laughed out loud. Such is the stage we’re in right now I suppose, but I agree with you- we need to set aside more time for fun! I don’t think I’d call this a hobby, but some of my favorite “me time” is in the tub with a book. 🙂 Hope your sister’s wedding weekend was great!!
Even though I’m not a Mom, I’m going into my fourth full year of teaching and finally feel like I have enough left over reserve to do things for ME, not just surviving the school year and doing my best there. Plus, I have many activities during the school year! Those are hobbies, right? Speech team, food shelf, Nepali club… is it okay that they’re within my job? ha…
I’m working on reading more, writing some, sewing more, biking, and exercising in general. I think sometimes women tend to not have hobbies per se because we seem more communal, so our free time is spent connecting with people rather than doing stuff. Does that make sense?
I was also inspired by The Fringe Hours to find hobbies and carve out me time. I look at it as setting a foundation for a happy life in general, but perhaps also a balanced life should I ever get married & have a family.
I find a hobby is something that you can’t live without doing. It’s something you do for yourself and alone. Having other friends join you is a bonus. After the kids go to bed, I can decide what and how I’ll spend my time. If I have a yearning to sew a project in mind, I will.
No matter what season in life, there will ALWAYS be something bugging for your time and attention. Take time in the little moments to live…whether it be alterations of something you’re cooking for dinner or reading an article on a favorite decorating style or picking apart trashy reality shows. It’s what YOU make of it. Who cares how others view it. At the end of the day, if you’re happy….that is what matters.